During the first weeks after making the decision was hard. It was hard not to think about where we would be in 6 months. I would go in at night when he was sleeping and just stare. I would cry in the middle of the day, I wanted to make plans to see all our family. The hardest part was starting to plan a funeral. I don’t know if it was right, but I knew that I would not be able to do it after the fact. Any cough or sickness would put us on edge.
We had not really explained our decision to Brandon but had told him we needed to pray more for Chandler.
One day after going to the grocery store, I had to call 911. Chandler was having trouble breathing and Brandon was very crucial in helping me hold his medicine over his face as I watched for the firefighters. After they left with Aaron and Chandler, Brandon was in my arms and asked “is Chandler going to die?” I completely lost it and began to think about Brandon losing his brother.
With all the medical emergencies we had gone through God had always given me a calmness and I didn’t panic. I felt I was losing that calmness and was panic at the smallest things. One time Chandler was having trouble breathing and we headed to the hospital. As we were driving, I could feel myself starting to panic, I began to cry and tell Aaron I wasn’t ready to say goodbye. Aaron had to calm me down by reminding me God was in control. At the hospital we found he had come down with a virus, but after a week of antibiotics was much better and we took him home.
During these times, we had to rely on God’s strength and grace!! We had none from ourselves. There were sleepless nights, stress, and always on edge of where and when it was going to happen. We knew many prayers surrounded us and many showed us love from family and friends. The road was rough, hard on our marriage and hard to entirely let go and let God. We had given Chandler to God several times, but we weren’t giving Him our every day and our emotions.
We several times questioned if we had made the right decision. We were so grateful to God that He had given us His word as our anchor. It was a reminder that He was with us and we held onto Him. We knew He wouldn’t let us go in spite of our fear.
Proverbs 23:26 
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